23 HOURS

I have been at the Northern Nevada Correctional Center for 8 years. I feel betrayed, and I have experienced racial injustice. I feel most concerned about publicizing my innocence, but also scientific discoveries. To me, life in prison has not changed since COVID. 

I have been in solitary for 3.7 years because of a past racist inmate whom I attacked with a cane. My cell looks Spartan and feels monastic. The memories and thoughts that run most through my head are publicizing my 31 years of false imprisonment. My personality outside of prison is cerebral and messianic; within the prison walls, my personality is serene, calculating, persistent. What gets me through the day in segregation is prayer. The most difficult part of my situation is abandonment by my friends, family, loved ones, and the public (NAACP/ ACLU, DOJ, etc).

I experience racist oppression 80% of the time from the guards, as if I were an animal. I feel dehumane. I am shackled whenever I move throughout the facility, but sometimes in a wheelchair. The administration is hostile 80% of the time. I’ve asked questions regarding medical and dental care, but I have been delayed and denied. I forced 5 hunger strikes (2013/2014) to get medical care and to protect rights. 

My access to mental and medical services have been delayed and denied. Luck of the draw. I do not have any access to library nor religious services. I have received no visitation privileges. The phones are broken 80% of the time, and the visits are too dehumanizing. 

To entertain myself in the cell, I watch TV, listen to the radio, read, and perform legal work. I am given no time out of the cell- my wheelchair gets stuck in cages and soft/ muddy dirt ground. 

I receive meals twice daily: Breakfast/lunch (6am) and dinner (6pm). The meals are the same as in general population but cold/ warm. The meals are adequate but bland and unvaried [sic].

Being in isolation long term has shown me a lack of faith in humans. What has caused me the most harm while in isolation is the fact that there was no help to convey my story. I deserve freedom. I would like people outside of prison to know that systems of racism (socially, judiciously, etc) is alive and well in the USA. 

For the future, I want to be found innocent, and I want to witness scientific discovery.

I was supposed to do only 6 months in solitary, but they extend your hole time for 6 more months if you get any type of infraction—unless you’re a confidential informant. I’ve seen firsthand where the same person who was involved in the same mess gets out the hole in 5 months, but then gets out of the hole spend a few weeks on the yard and actually gets transfer to a minimum yard. Since they got new roles and loopholes, they still decide how long your hole time. If you sit back and not give them any issues, you’ll come out of the hole.

My first thought when going into solitary was that I hoped they didn’t put me next to a crazy person who bangs and yells all day long. They have plenty of “crazy’s” who the correction officers & admin are aware of, so I feel like they put those people there just to torture us. Look, I’ve done a lot of bad shit in my life, but it does not define me. I got a good heart, and I help all of the convicts. I do slip up and get myself into trouble; but, considering my background, who I was compared to who I am now is like comparing night & day. I’ve been in prison for 15 years, and I have to deal with everyone’s issues, including my own. Out of prison, I’m a caring person with family values. I was just young and stupid. But I came from a good family who did their best in raising me. I’m pretty much the same person. I just dropped that tough guy/gangster mentality.

My music, books, drawing, and T.V. all got me through the day in solitary. The most difficult part about my situation is being mixed in with all the “crazy’s” & the correctional officers not doing their job; they’d rather sleep in the bubble & not pass out the phones. For the most part, I’ve left the guards alone didn’t really interact with them. Of course I’ve been mistreated & instead of me catching a new case I do my best to ignore them. We are always in restraints when being moved. I ignore all of them— administration included. I know I’m a lifer & do my best to fly under the radar. There’s no beating them; they will always find a way to screw you over. 

Look, these people don’t care about anyone's mental health. The medical here is a joke. I’ve put in to see the doctor months ago & still haven’t seen them & when they do see you, they don’t listen. They just take your temperature & blood pressure & give you some bullshit pills. We have access to all the religious books & canteen at the moment. There is NO store at Ely State Prison & not so long ago we had a hunger strike in the hole b-cuz [sic] they took all canteen privileges. It lasted about 2 months before “Nevada Strong” helped us get our canteen back. Since COVID hit our visits have been a joke. Our family drive 8+ hours to just sit there & look at us. WE can’t hug, kiss or eat food. This is the only system that does not have “video visits.” This system is ass backwards. We would go weeks without using the phones b-cuz the correctional officers would not pass the phone, so we resorted to breaking the phones in half & passing it ourselves.

Look, if you don’t have family looking out for you you’re assed out — no TV, music, ect. We’re allowed “one hour” a day, but most of the time they come up with short on staff & will not do yard period. The ℅’s who are forced to do their jobs retaliate by searching our cells while we are on yard. I did the 13 months in the hole: I went to shower about 2x a month just to stretch my legs. I refused to go to yard. It makes no point to go from one small box to another.

The meals in Ely are a joke. It’s not enough to feed a 9 year old. Our portions are small and our food is cold. They let it sit for at least an hour before they decide to put it in the hot boxes. We get fed at 5:00 AM with our sack lunch & they feed us dinner at 12:00 PM so those who don’t go to store are starving by 7:30pm. The kitchen is filthy. It has failed 2 health inspections. “I” work in the kitchen. They work us to the bone & if we refuse, we get written up & “Red Tazed.” It's just games they play.

The food in general population and isolation are the same, the only difference is that they put the right portion of food cuz we are not behind closed doors or restrained. These meals are not satisfying and disgusting.

Look, I’ve been locked up most of my life. This is all I know. If I feel like I’m being wronged I speak my mind or let my hands do the talking. I don’t complain or whine about it, I just go with the punches. But I have noticed a few changes; I don’t like being around other people. What has caused me the most harm though is losing contact with my loved ones. We get 2 calls a day & that's if you get the phone. I want people outside of prison to know that this prison should be shut down. It's falling apart, it’s short on staff, that medical care is a joke, that we have to do drastic things just to get what we got coming. It's just too much sometimes. I hope to come home & spend whatever life I have left with my loved ones.

Prison living and conditions have become a whole lot worse than a normal prison function. We are no longer allowed to order canteen anymore up here at ESP. We are not getting the proper cleaning materials to keep our cell clean. The prison showers are dirty and not getting properly cleaned.

I’m in solitary lockdown right now. I’ve been in isolation since July 2021, since I came back up here because I refuse to sit in a double cell 24 hours a day with another man. That’s how people end up hurting or killing their cellies. I have not been given a clear reason or a duration as to how long I would be here at ESP. My cell makes me feel like I’m in a prison within a prison when I should be on a open prison yard working on programing instead of sitting in a cell 24 hours.

While in isolation, my thoughts are that I need to be out in the free world living a productive life and helping people that are forced to live under these conditions. I have a very intoxicating personality; once people get to know me they take a strong liking to me. I’m respectful and treat people how I want to be treated. I’m the same person in and out of prison. What gets me through my day? Reading, writing, letters, working out, listening to music, watching TV, or just working on business plans. Being in prison in this state is the most difficult part of my situation. This system is so far behind and the conditions are bad.

I don’t have any problems with the guards. I’ve been around for a while so I really stay in my lone [sic] and out of the way. I have been mistreated by getting sent up here to the max lockdown for no reason. I’m shackled and handcuffed everytime I leave my cell. My experience with the administration is bad. Every time I get sent to an open yard I’m harassed and set up by administration and sent back to ESP. I have been trying to get answers from the prison administration as to where I could get back to an open yard that's normal. I did not receive a satisfactory answer. We have no more canteen at the prison and we have to send a request kite for whatever we need from the library or law library.

I lost faith in society doing the right thing by us.

This whole prison is solitary confinement. Especially if you’re a general population inmate. The only people around here get tier time is protective custody. 

This prison is basically telling us to go against what we stand for just to get what we have coming. Then they blame it on violence, but the same amount of violence is going on in protective custody.

The Asian/Islander group have been slammed down up here for the past 2 or 3 years, while every other group gets to program…

In the past 15 years, I’ve noticed that when it comes to us these people will never do the right thing. I mean right now the only thing we can order is batteries, stamps, or special orders like appliances, sheets and blanket. Other than that, they are denying us canteen. They say it’s because staff shortage, but if they can run slips for those items, we should be able to get hygiene and food. That’s a major issue since these people meal plan for us is very insufficient.

Another major issue is this prison is charging people with murder, for a simple assult, half the people in the hole on H.R.P right are charged with murder and the person that is supposed to be dead might live a few cells down from them.

Right now, the conditions around here are terrible and they’re getting worse. It’s like the only solutions they can come up with is to take something from us…

A typical day for me starts when I wake up at 4:30am wash my face & brush my teeth. I clean my cell, do my prayers, and wait for breakfast to come. I get to workout for an hour or better. I shower by using my sink because we only get showers every 3 days. I wash my things by hand and reclean my floor. I eat lunch and afterwards I listen to music, read, & watch tv until dinner.  At that point I eat dinner. I wait for the phone so I can call my family. We only get the phone every 3 days. By 9:00pm I call it a night. Without question, having a daily routine helps pass the time. I believe that without that program your time becomes way harder to do.The time in here does in one aspect or another seems to slow down, and [in a sense] it does feel like it stops. 

The effects of solitary can at times, be [felt] immediately. As time passes it just comes down to the strength of a person mentally. Without question, I know that as a human being I have changed because of solitary confinement. Being in solitary has affected my family because they miss out on the little time with me [shared] by phone calls and things like that.I don’t have kids because I have been locked for most of my life now.

I believe that solitary has caused changes in my physical and mental aspects. My eyes are very easily hurt by the sun now, and even lights hurt my eyes. At times loud noises can scare me or make me jump. Being around a lot of people is something I dislike a lot now, and I prefer to be alone. At times speaking is hard for me from lack of use. My people skills are not too good because I have not been around people. While in solitary we have access to tv, radio, a fan, trimmers, a hot pot, books, clothes, soap, toothpaste, ect. Solitary is a jail within a jail. Without question you feel like you're forgotten,and in a black hole in the sense of time. 

I have been in prison for 6 years, and my experience has been absolutely horrible. Given the food conditions, my biggest concern is my health. I’m severely malnourished, as I’ve been eating the same small portions of cold food for over 2 years. I’ve lost a lot of weight and my teeth are falling out, not to mention the mattresses are gross and uncomfortable. I’m not even vaccinated for COVID yet, and I have to constantly wear a mask when going to shower or going to the yard. Thankfully, I’m mentally and emotionally stable because of my relationship with my family, but my physical health is deteriorating right before my eyes.

I’m currently in solitary, and I’ve been here for 5 years. Every day, except Wednesday, I’m in lockdown for 22 ½ hours. I get a shower for 15-30 minutes, and then can go into the yard for 1-2 hours. On Wednesdays, I’m in total lockdown for the full 24 hours. I voluntarily went into solitary confinement because my fellow inmates are disrespectful, aggressive, and intolerable. They constantly partake in drugs use and fight one another, even to the point of stabbing. I did not want to be involved, so I made a sacrifice and went into advanced segregation. This way, I would only have 4 correctional officers to deal with and no institutional activity where my life could be in danger. My cell is only 6 feet by 15 feet, and it’s in pretty bad shape. When I’m in my cell, I’m primarily thinking about my case. I try to be positive, productive, and constructive while I’m in here, even though it can be tough sometimes. Getting some peace of mind and being able to pray is a huge help. Phone calls from my family get me through the day, as well as a few decent correctional officers. The most difficult part about my situation is the prevalence of drugs. 

I’ve had quite a few negative issues with some guards, but I try to stay out of trouble so I’ve been more verbal with them about not wanting to get hurt. I’m shackled everywhere I go except in my own cell. Administration is basically nonexistent. We get no response from them, and informal grievances can take up to 6 months to receive an answer. Mental health services are available, but medical services are horrible. I do have access to religious, library, and canteen services. There are no visitation privileges for me, but my phone privileges are adequate. To entertain myself in my cell, I mostly sleep, do legal work on my case, or watch T.V. I get 1-2 hours of yard time 6 days out of the week, and 15-30 minutes for showers 3 days a week. Daily meals include 2 trays of cold breakfast and dinner, as well as a sack lunch PB&J. The meals are all the same: small portions, cold, and horrible flavor. I never get full from the meals they serve us here; I’m hungry all the time. Isolation has impacted me long term by keeping me away from drugs, fights, arguments, and theft against me. The most harm caused by being in solitary confinement has been the loss of weight from small portions of food. A much better option for me than segregation would be freedom.

I’d like people outside of prison to know that in isolation you’re safe, you can sleep with no problems, and you don’t have to worry about a roommate. I want structure in my life, and I hope to steer clear of drugs and alcohol so I can eventually have a family and become a grandparent. I’m black, and yet only 1 out of 65 potential jurors were Black. This was a blatant jury selection violation that my counsel failed to raise on appeal. Let’s get jury discrimination eradicated for good.

Although I’m currently not in solitary, I’ve never been given a clear reason and duration for being in isolation— if the staff doesn’t like you, they’ll make up lies to have you sent to the hole [isolation]. The cells are small, cold, and they don’t give you anything to clean with. While in isolation, what got me through were the memories of being with my kids, and how this system took my life away from me, my kids, and my family. Before prison, I was fun and outgoing, but within the prison walls and experiencing dark isolation, it all makes me feel like I just want to go crazy. In order to pass time, all I can do is sleep. The most difficult part of solitary experience was the way the guards feed and treat you. 

The guards call you all kinds of names but your name. If you say anything back they will lie and say you didn’t want to take your food so you wont eat that night. You are shackled when moved throughout the facility. The administration overlooks everything— trying to get a real answer to any question just won’t happen here. 

The quality of care from medical or mental health services are poor. There is no access to religious services. A while back, there were opportunities to get books, and we would get maybe $20 to $30 for canteen services. This prison no longer offers canteen services, so there are no opportunities to get books and such. As for visitation and phone privileges, I don’t get any visits because my family lives in LA. We get the phone once a week unless there’s a correctional officer you’re cool with. 

To entertain myself, I usually just look at the TV and work out. There is no time out of the cell. 

As for the meals, we eat at 5:00am and you get your lunch bag at the same time. Dinner comes at 12:00pm and that’s it. The meals in isolation are the same while in general isolation, but they put less on the tray. I always felt hungry right after I was done eating; I’d be so hungry. It’s cruel. 

Being in isolation does a lot to your mind. Your way of thinking and feeling really makes you want to go crazy, and a lot of people have. What has caused me the most harm while in isolation is the amount of time locked in the cell, and the way they feed and treat you. I feel like a better option rather than segregation would be chores, like cleaning— the kind of work that would help better the prison. 

I’d like people outside of prison to know that isolation only makes you more mad because of the way you are treated. Most of the time, after you’ve gained your freedom, you go right back because you feel wronged— you want to move around, your mind wants you to do anything and everything. 

I want my life back, my freedom. My hope is that someone will be the voice for the voiceless. It feels like the world doesn't care what the system is doing to me in the courtroom. Without the right help and the outside world watching they will cover it up.

I’ve been at this facility for two years. My mind, body, and emotions feel down. Life in prison has changed since COVID. I am in solitary right now. I’ve been in solitary for 30 years, and the reason why I am in here is unknown. I’ve not been given a clear reason or duration for being in isolation. My cell is like a box. The memories and thoughts that run through my mind are if I will get out of here. I don’t remember my personality outside of prison. What gets me through the day in isolation is time! The most difficult part about my situation is the correctional officers’ [harassment. 

The access to mental health and medical services has been very, very, very bad. There is no access to religious, library, and canteen services. There [is also no] access to visitation and phone privileges. 

To entertain myself, there is masturbation. I only look around in or out of my cell to pass time. The meals are not as good in isolation as they are in the general population. I feel hungry often! Isolation has impacted me long term because of the loss of my teeth. What has caused me the most harm while in isolation is my memory. I would like people to know that the correctional offers] do feel free to sexually harass us. 

For the future, I want to be out of prison.

I’ve been at this facility since May 19, 2021, going on three years. My experience here has been the cruelest torture of physical, psychological, intentional mastery so racially motivated and biased; it is an extremely dangerous and unsafe facility. I feel constant, toxic depression and hypertension. I fear of my safety by department retaliation and prior death threats have been made to my person. I have unbearable migraines, mental duress, anguish, and anxiety; I feel like I’m trapped in a living tomb of hell. I feel most concerned about medical care, safety, release from punitive ad-seg [administration segregation, or solitary confinement]. How will I live safely incarcerated within or outside of NV with my life sentence, due to all facility, NDOC life changes, from general population? I’m now a PSV- inmate, causation of various bad character of state doctors - 2:19 CV 01243. Life in prison has changed exponentially since COVID in an adverse negatively [sic] manner. 

I am in solitary right now, ongoing for 3 years; a punitive transfer in casual nexus to my protracted litigation against NDOC et al; to reveal the matrix of unconstitutional/ deprivational throughout all NDOC facilities, especially NNCC [Nevada Northern Correctional Facility]. There is a clear reach of senior correctional officers calling, and targeting, me a rat, a snitch; along with female, male unspecified [sic]. Lu fei [sic] of department reports over COVID 19 failures by correctional officers etc, by wise choice to feeling safe [sic]. My cell looks like a casket or a tomb, and I feel that I may never leave. It feels unreal by the geographical extreme isolation, blocked from all positive, rehabilitative social interaction. The thoughts and memories that run through my head the most during isolation are life’s blessings: love, joy, hope, faith, and awaiting for a change in circumstance to be provided. I also dream of programmable yard [sic], facility safety, cheese burgers, and chicken through the canteen window. Outside of prison, I have a beautiful character, and my personality is generally kind and thoughtful. However, in prison, it is similar but unknown causation of altered self by long term ad-seg/srv [sic], all things witnessed suffered continually enduring so defects often arise; I may or may not ever get out of here. I would just like to be allotted to program, continue rehabilitation of self, education, spiritually, mentally, emotionally thought wise in a positive and productive manner. What gets me through the day while in segregation is faithful prayer, hope, staying busy with various non-credited college courses, art, writing courses, bible study, contemplation, and my stubborn will to survive. 

My experience with the guards have been brutal, as if I were a slave in modern day society. As for the administration, I’ve been continually intimidated, retaliated upon, and treated with racial and religious animosity: directly in connection with seeking redress for long stemming facility deprivations for us. All questions and grievances are simply denied, letting me know I have nada coming and all, or many, majority NDOC officers and staff hate me at multiple facilities. 

Mental health care is non-existent and a joke, costing many women/men precious loss of lives by suicide or uncompatible [sic] cell pairings, lending to grave injuries and death, or rape and sodomy. Access to canteen never really stopped until of late (30 days) prior in 2 week later pods. They want and only care about money but no religious services or physical access to libraries. 

In order to entertain myself, I pump myself up (Arnold program), workout, read, study, non-credit college courses, bible study, write poems and articles, and legal work. Outside of the cell, I’m given one hour on PSU open units, when officers wish to allow it. Many times, it’s 24 hours 2 days a week. I’ve been 24 hours a day ongoing (2 ¾ years) straight, largely from February 2009 to November 2013, March 2014 - November 2016, and July 2019 to current. There is only a freezing outdoor hoop and pull up bar, and phones 3 times only— that’s it!

I receive breakfast around 4 - 5 AM, and lunch and dinner around 1 - 2 PM; it’s a repeat cycle. The food they serve is mostly inedible, yucky, gross, very unhealthy— the worst food. Contacted CO’s with hate for profit campaign; same items every single day; Peanut butter cup, cream of wheat  or oatmeal, ham/pig, pretzels, corn chips… minute portions, very improper. Far below 2500-3500 calories for adults; medical or religious diets are antisemitic, blatant systematic religious slap in our faces, worse than the tray food. I survive off of coffee, java, to kill appetite, and I drink copious amounts of water. I’m slim and used to not being expectant of food; fasting, prayer— a man can’t get it done; so many retaliation tactics at any NDOC to stop a voice about deprivations, many are as that show Punk’d— scared and will not fight for our rights, so hunger is a constant issue, and with hyperthyroid disease, I’ve almost went into a coma for drastic loss of weight.

Isolation has impacted me long term in that it is unbearable; I feel lost, toxic bouts of depression, joy, fear, angry, peaceful— a roller coaster of deeply unexplainable emotions, or it would take a long thesis on it. While in isolation, I believe that decompensation, neurological, physiological, cognitive substantial damage, bodily health chronic diseases, developments and lack of simple or adequate medical care or rehabilitation counseling, activities, programs, etc, has caused me the most damage. With an extensive record of completed programs, like obtaining my high school diploma, I just pray that I am allowed an open yard program— to be allowed to go to faith and religious services, for fellowship, worship, to be able to obtain a job, and continue to be productive in preparation of self, for near future reentry into society for life, to hopefully marry and have new kids. I know I can cherish my wife, work on goals, business ideas, ect. Probably an intra-state contract to another state. I would like people outside of prison to know that ad-seg [administrative segregation] and SHU [special housing unit] is counter productive to rehabilitation. 

Ad-seg/SHU destroys our minds; neurologically, cognitively, and physiologically. It creates monsters, back into our families, theirs, they will commit crime & horrific incidents by systematic destroyed by NDOC, correctional ad-seg torture, albeit coined cruel unusual punishment; Ameri KKKlan still fails to stop it; in the name of profit. My people, Africans, were raped, pilliged, kidnapped, and brought here on ships. When born here, no change has occurred for me or Africans in this bigoted country. As properly paraphrased by MRF Douglass. “A heavy & cruel hand has been laid upon us as a people, we feel ourselves, to be not only deeply injured, but grossly misunderstood, our caucasin/white Kountry men/women, do not know us,” and, “They are strangers to our/African character, ignorant of our capacity, oblivious to our historical histories & progress, and are mis-informed as to the principles and ideas that guide, control us as African/people.”

“The great mass of American citizens estimates us as being a characterless & purposeless people; and hence, we hold up our heads, if at all, against the withering influence of a nation(s) scorn & contempt.” - Frederick Douglass Rochester, NY, July 1853

Currently I have been at High Desert State Prison (HDSP) for going on 14 months. It has been horrible here. I have been in solitary confinement the whole time.

My body is stiff and achy from lying around so much. My mind is restless and all over the place. I am mostly depressed, angry and anxious. Today has been a better day than usual. I think taking this survey on a normal day for me would be too overwhelming…

In Nov. of 2020 I overdosed while in solitary in Ely State Prison (ESP). I had to be life-flighted from Ely to Las Vegas, I was in the hospital for a day. I was cleared by Medical and brought here to HDSP to be housed until they could transfer me back to ESP. I am still here 14 months later.

I have been told my points are too high to be on the HDSP yard. I haven't been given even the slightest clue as to how long I will be in isolation for.

My cell looks neat and organized but it feels cold and hard. The oddest thing is the rare times I've left my cell such as to go to Medical, I get overwhelmed and so anxious I want to be back in my cell which I usually want out of. 

The memories that most often run through my head while in isolation are regrets. The thoughts that most often dominate my mind are self-destructive and suicidal.

I would describe my personality as outgoing, helpful, respectful. I'd say I enjoy pleasing others. I'd say this is my personality in and out of prison – when I am in isolation, I am irritable, I don't want to be bothered. But I still care how others feel and I do my best to be kind to people even if I don't feel like being that way.

God gets me through each day in isolation. I pray and speak to God from the time I wake up until the time I go to sleep. It is by His Grace that I am still here. That and I watch a lot of TV trying to think as little as possible. And then some days a phone call or a letter from a family member or friend.

The most difficult part of my situation is the not knowing, the lack of control and the feeling of hopelessness that comes from feeling like I don't matter.

For the most part the guards have been decent in this particular unit especially in working with me about getting the phone at certain times. However I have been mistreated by guards. I was assaulted by two guards in Ely. I felt like a victim, I was in shackles and cuffs when I was assaulted. Anytime I leave my cell I am in cuffs.

My experience with Administration has been unproductive and meaningless. I have sought answers and relief. Yet 15 months later here I am in solitary confinement.

I do have access to mental health and medical services. Medical services have been good, mental health services on the other hand is a joke. We have a pysch who comes around periodically, the problem is if you want to speak with her we have to speak to her from behind our door for everyone else to hear our business, who wants that. 

I have zero access to religious services which is very difficult for me being a Christian. Likewise we have absolutely no access to books or a library. Lastly canteen is horrible as well. Solitary units get store at the end of the week, so they are usually out of stock on the majority of items we order weekly.

I dont get visits, we get the phone 3 days out of the week for 30 mins each time.

I am able to watch TV and listen to music for entertainment. I draw sometimes, that is what I do to entertain myself.

We get yard for one hour 6 days out of the week. Everyone is in a cage by their self. I don’t go out usually. I didn’t go out for 10 months straight. And even then I’ve only been out a handful of times. I feel like a dog locked in a cage. I pace back and forth for an hour when I go out.

We get 2 hot meals and a sack lunch each day. The meals are the same as in [general] population. The worst meal is the sack lunch, we get PBJ a lot. If I dont have store… I will be hungry.

I do not rationalize like a normal person. Instead I respond as if I am in a fight for my life and in turn I make things much worse for myself. Furthermore I find it very difficult to stay in one place for too long without feeling trapped. So much so I could not even manage to spend one night at a relative’s home because I’d become so anxious and I’d feel boxed in. I could not manage. I’m shaking and I am anxious now even trying to explain and express these thoughts and feelings…

I should not be in segregation. I have no disciplinary violations. I should be in General Population. It has caused me to lose hope. I often feel suicide is my only hope of relief. But by the Grace of God I get through each day. I can do all things through Jesus Christ who strengthens me!

I hope for my life to have a purpose. I hope to glorify God, to be useful to him in drawing others to Jesus.

There are 100s of others here at HDSP in the same situation as me. We are being housed in solitary only because the administration “dont know where to house us” or is “unable” to transfer us, which is totally ridiculous. We have no write-ups and no hope of any solution to their “housing” and or “transfer” in the near future. I have witnessed others completely deteriorate from being functional; and social to the point where one cannot even approach that individual any longer while being here.

I have been at Ely State Prison since 2013. My experience here has been tumultuous, to say the least. I’ve done almost all my time here in solitary and when it wasn’t solitary, I was still locked down only difference being I had a celly [cell mate]. I’m extremely far from any family, so that means no visits and for a long time no visits meant no pictures either. For example, I just took pictures for the first time in five years 5 days ago. I’ve been beaten, starved, and deprived since I’ve been here. Normal stuff to expect out of prison, I know, but it’s arduous no less. The environment is extremely violent, and I grew into this culture by proxy of growing up in this prison since I was 18 years old. 

My body feels tired and fatigued. My mind is positive and progressive. My emotions are a rollercoaster. I have to endure this environment as well as the negatives of the outside world. So my emotions may fluctuate with the news received from the outside or the energy I may feel in here but I try to keep positive with the belief that everything and everyone has an expiration date including my sentence.

I feel most concerned with being trapped in an environment where violence is the answer to everything and having to answer a question. The consequence of being in a maximum prison is violence and the consequence for violence charges. After 11 years and 1 prison case in the bag already, my freedom is the ultimate goal. So getting out of this prison to a less violent facility is a necessity for me.

Life in prison has changed since covid. Less to no tier time. No canteen. A change in the menu was for the worse. Medical care is a joke. Little to no recreation time as well.

I just got out of solitary two months ago, after doing 27 months in solitary. I was in solitary for a multitude of reasons, stemming back to violent disruptions… My cell looked as far from a cell as possible, which was the goal. I decorated my cell with pictures, towels, rugs, etc. Anything to make it feel homey, so I could be comfortable doing a substantial amount of time in one room. 

I don’t think of many memories unless I am in a pensive mood. I had a lot of negative thoughts with positivity sprinkled here and there. If I wasn’t in an all-out depression, then my negativity was manifested in violent daydreams or what I was doing wrong. When in depression my thoughts always centered around what I was missing out on, family, friends, occasions, etc. I frequented the thought of death often. Not suicide, just my death and what it would bring and mean afterwards. Most of my thoughts while in solitary confinement came out of anger or depression.

When out of prison, I was a social person. Not friendly but social. I enjoyed being around my loved ones, having a good time, and making everybody laugh. While in prison I’m extremely antisocial, especially after all the time I did in solitary confinement. I’m more cognizant of my words and hypersensitive to mine and others’ actions. While in isolation, it may sound crazy but I’m actually more social than I am if we were face to face. I’m more irritable but I can also hold conversations with ease. Over the years solitary confinement has made me horrible at in person meetings. I feel awkward and I always trip over my own tongue or get lost in conversation…

The most difficult part is sitting in a concrete casket feeling like you’re waiting to die. Literally starting at a celly counting down the seconds, minutes, and days of your life. Doing nothing productive but getting old all the same.

We have access to medical and mental health care. Both is a joke. Medical takes months to appear once you submit a kite and once seen they’ll give you IBU’s for something you need surgery for. Mental health comes once a month and asks how you are feeling. Whatever your answer is, their response is uniform, “okay, I was just checking in doing my monthly checks.” If you ask to speak to the psychiatrist, it’ll take months and when they come it’ll be a former c/o that are colleagues with people who may come up. Confidentially? LOL…

For a long time phone privileges were one call a month in disciplinary segregation. Maybe two to three years ago it changed to two a week. Visits are once a month behind glass… We were supposed to be given one hour a day on a small rec yard with a pull-up bar and basketball hoop. But due to short-staffing you received maybe 2 to 3 days out of the week of yard. Breakfast and lunch [are served] at 6am. Dinner [is served] at 1pm. [The] meals are the same… [They] are satisfying for a seven year old boy. A scoop of egg whites, potatoes, and oatmeal will have you hungry again in 2 hours. Try it! LOL.

It has irreversibly affected my mental health and social skills in a negative manner. I don’t know how to communicate with free people and who knows if I ever will without feeling some type of pressure. I never had violent fantasies until I started doing time in solitary confinement. Since I was 17 years old I have been enduring this with no help from any professional. Who knows the detrimental effect this has had on my mental health…

When I get out of prison I want to start my own clothing company, entertainment company, and production company. I will manage these companies until they grow so that I can take care of my mother and sister. 

Altogether I have been at Ely State Prison for 25 years and it has been life-changing, traumatizing, painful, and embarrassing. My mind, body, and emotions feel torn, abused, and chaotic. My biggest concern is that I will never get the opportunity to demonstrate to my family and loved ones that I am not the same person today that I was 27 years ago. That I will die behind these walls without ever leaving a positive blueprint, that I won’t be able to help others in the world, in my community, and never be human again…

From 1998-2014 I was in solitary/segregation at the Ely State Prison (ESP), maximum security. Eight of those first 16 years of solitary,

My cell felt like a coffin that’s trying to incorporate you into its structure, forcing you to search in the dark, blindfolded, for a black cat that’s not even there. Forcing you to fight for breath from a pit of quicksand that’s made of mud. People I’ve known for years were committing suicide because there was no “out date” for being released from solitary. While in isolation, I mostly thought about staff assaulting us. Of being denied contact visits, and unable to touch my family members, e.g. my grandmother, before she died. Suicidal thoughts. A lot of darkness. Thinking about that stuff now literally gives me the chills and I can remember the mental space I was in doing those 16 years in solitary. I don’t like it…

Out of prison I was easy going and outgoing. In prison I am untrusting, unforgiving, ugly. In isolation my personality was violent, vicious, defeated. It’s odd to say this, but the thought of revenge got me through the day… The refusal to let them completely bury me under. The ache to see, touch, and be with my family and loved ones. The most difficult part of solitary confinement was not becoming the animal that the ESP administration wanted me to be, and trying not to become a product of my environment…

Overall, the guards are confrontational and disturbing. Disturbing in that head-scratching way that someone who’s supposed to be an employee of the state, a peace officer in the department of corrections, treats people (inmates) in such a deplorable manner. [I’m] wondering who’s the animal, them or us. [I have been mistreated by the guards] in ways that brought out the worst in me. Made me truly hate certain people. While I was on HRP status, anytime I exited out of my cells, handcuffs and leg shackles were put on me, along with a dog leash hooked to the handcuffs that a third guard would hold behind me as I was paraded across like a dog. 

Mental health and medical services, at least while I was in solitary, were pathetic… The mental health department is/was a joke. The ESP housed inmates with mental issues in solitary with those of us doing “hole time,” so that shows how much care they took towards mental health. The quality of care is shocking. Some medical staff was found to be sexually abusing inmates in the infirmary, [and] forcing medication… if an inmate refused they had that inmate physically extracted from their cell, by violent intentions, and forcibly injected them with a needle. These are things that I witnessed firsthand, not stories told to me. Any mental/medical services or care was always performed in front of guards and other inmates, providing zero privacy…

Visitation was behind glass, non-contact. I was also handcuffed in belly chains and leg shackles (which was beyond necessary because I’m behind glass). Access to the phone was once a week, sometimes once a month, depending on one’s classification. I was at the mercy of the guards, meaning I had to request in writing to be given the phone. A lot of the guards would throw away my requests because they didn’t want to leave the comfort of the “bubble” (their office) and come out on the tier to pass me the phone. And then there were guards who didn’t like inmates and would throw away my requests. Whenever the phone would break, it would sometimes take two months for them to replace it. On at least three occasions, I personally witnessed guards maliciously break the phone so that they wouldn’t have to pass it around for the tier to use it.

For a while, I received three meals a day, the traditional breakfast, lunch, and dinner, but that changed to two meals a day with a sack lunch given at breakfast… In segregation/solitary, the guards passed out the food. They would serve it to us cold, most times just leaving it in the hallway until they wanted to pass out food, and when they did, they wouldn’t bother to set up the hot cart to at least try to warm up the food. Plus, the guards didn’t give us the full issue of food, most times giving us half portions so that they wouldn’t run out of food and have to call the kitchen to bring more… [I] always felt hungry. There were times guards that had issues with me would spit in my food or wouldn’t even feed me. That was a common thing in segregation. Sometimes instead of fighting, I’d laugh at them for doing those types of cowardice acts to show that I wasn’t fazed by it. Of course, it would get them more upset, and they’d find other ways to mess with me…

I quickly realized after being placed back in the general population I don’t like living with others. I had lived by myself for 17 years straight and had my own ways of living in a cage. In segregation I could easily go weeks without talking to anyone. There’s so many things that I go through on a daily basis because at times it feels like sensory overload and the easiest thing would be to just shut down… Physically, I’m just beat up and I know that it’s directly attributed to being in solitary for those 16 years. There’s been so many times that I’ve been ill and/or had problems with mobility or nerve damage that I was too embarrassed to seek attention simply because it’s not a private session with the medical department… The rest of the time I’d just suffer in silence because I knew how foul the medical staff, in conjunction with the ESP administration, is/was towards the inmates.

I did 16 years in isolation; the first 8 of those years under the most restrictive classification in the NDOC… Sometimes, I just feel broken all the way around, emotionally, spiritually, and physically. Being distanced from my family and loved ones has done something to me that is almost hard to put into words, especially when it takes time and the ability to be present to repair bridges that were burned. Seriously, it’s hard to list one thing [that caused me the most harm] because I don’t know if I’m supposed to think and feel the way that I do, or am I just messed up? I struggle every day trying to figure it out…

During my time in segregation in whatever form it was, it could be indefinite. You could be sanctioned to 46 months of disciplinary segregation and end up doing nine years. If you were on administrative segregation, you could be back there for decades. The ESP was known for setting up people, targeting individuals, giving out petty write-ups (Notice of Charges) that would extend [time in] solitary…

This type of abuse, mistreatment, [and] atrocious acts have been going on in the prison system and it’s been ignored! The policy makers and its practitioners have promoted this because incarceration is a business of making money, ensuring employment, and to continue the white agenda… Those of you who vote for candidates that are pro-incarceration are also just as guilty, when you could easily vote for the woman/man who seeks rehabilitative programs… I would like to know why do the rally organizations and protesting stop at the “street level”? Do you think that abuse/torture stops when it goes to the jails and prisons? It actually gets worse because the public awareness is absent once we go to jail/prison. Those that work within corrections don’t care if we (the incarcerated) suffer, [they] will stick together in any wrongdoing(s) and lie to cover up their actions, and [they] know they can continue to do so because this fraternity of “good ol’ boy network” is indestructible… Just because they (administration) put lipstick on a pig, doesn’t change the fact that it’s still a pig. I would like them to know that over time, people change, we mature, our brains develop. That we are not the same person we were 5, 15, 20 years ago, so to hold someone in segregation almost four times as long as they were sanctioned to do is beyond malicious, it’s the epitome of evil. I want them to know that solitary confinement turned me into someone I did not want to be or become.

The experience has been dehumanizing, mentally and physically torturous. I feel like an animal in a cage that’s humiliated and honestly harassed on a daily basis. I feel broken down and fractured, devoid of emotion. I’m concerned about managing my PTSD the best I can from moment to moment.

I’ve been on “Red Tag’ Administrative Segregation since the 17th of November. Taken to disciplinary hearing on the 16th of December where I was found guilty of verbal threat towards a C.O. and given 60 days Red Tag isolation to be taken off if I remain write-up free. I’m appealing the guilty finding. I was subjected to supermax status under stigma of High Risk Potential status from 1996-2001 … Solitary confinement from 2001 to 2002, reason unknown. First day of yard and privileges had an altercation with another death row inmate, put back on HRP on June 2, 2002; found guilty of assault with a weapon on June 6, 2002, remained on HRP until July 2014. Solitary confinement from July 2014 to August 2018. Reason unknown.

I spend my isolation in a 6- by 14-foot cell with a desk but no chair and a bunk. Steel door with a 4-inch by 20-inch window that has a view out on the tier, control bubble, and sally port. Back window with a 4-inch by 48-inch view of mountains, guard towers and barbed wire fences. Toilet and sink fixtures, florescent light and intercom fixture above the toilet and sink. It becomes your depressing enclosure where you’re only in control of the little space you’re given. Deprivation becomes your angst which can be taken on the whims of administrative authority.

The are varying degrees of suffering I would imagine to each prisoner’s set of emotional autobiographical memories. In my case, as in many, I was uneducated with a ninth-grade reading comprehension, dsylexic with a Dissociative Identity Disorder and suicidal ideation. You go through phases of thought processes when you spend the span of 25 years in solitary confinement. As a child living in unstable circumstances I developed the ability to detach myself from reality into my own oblivion to cope with the emotional pain of a lost childhood. Withdrawn and devoid of any formal-operational development, I was limited in emotional resources that were overcompensated by imitative behavior that was self-destructive and self-debasing. 

With a one-dimensional thought process stuck in the “here and now,” the First Phase of my solitary confinement became one of anxious expectation of uncertain punishment. My thoughts didn’t draw upon well rationalized past emotions, therefore, I wasn’t temperamentally well adjusted to refrain from reacting to the barrage of psychological, malicious tactics from the authority. In my ignorance I would dissociate into my blankness to cope with the extreme harshness that made me feel set apart from the world. My unfamiliar Ego would pop in and out of existence, and stood for whatever was immediately the case, usually in imitative pseudo-bravado fueled by perpetual freezing cold cells, malnourishment, relentless calculated harassment and excessive deprivation under uncertain terms.

Biblical reference for things like hunger that consumed my thoughts– “man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word of God'' (Luke 4:4)– was the lens by which I saw my suffering. The proto-self with emotional damaged residue sought out a spiritual reckoning beyond the immediacy that imprisoned my thoughts. I prayed that “no trial has come to [me] but what is human'' (1 Cor 10:13) “let God be true, and every human being a liar” (Romans 3:4).

The Second Phase of my isolation continued upon arriving at Ely State Prison (ESP), where I was put on the most restrictive and stringent status of solitary confinement known as High Risk Potential (HRP). Then Warden subjected me to this status via “Special Memo,” warranted through a letter by the District Attorney. The existential algorithms created by authoritative tactics conditions habitual patterns against the horrors of uncertainty. There are worse things than death I was told. HRP was a moral evil meant to break down the worst of the worst. When I questioned my HRP status that required me to write a letter to the Caseworker that was answerable for my actions that got me put on HRP in the first place, I was unfamiliar with the practices of coercive tactic authority, or even any concept of it. My quasi-Christian beliefs were quickly dispelled by older more learned convicts. Morals had no place in criminal affairs, they only formed the back-drop of conscience, a form of weakness. The chameleon of an Identity Disorder, my Ego appeared as it was being acknowledged as an HRP criminal. The books I was given to read, Susan Blackmore’s, “Dying to Live”; Frederick Nietzsche “Will to Power”; Charles Darwin “Origin of Species,” expressed the “reality” that God was dead, that the human mind is just biomass doing complex things through an evolutionary world rich in competence without comprehension.

It was hard to ignore the HRP stigma and its highly controlled designed entrapments that allowed two cell searches a week (over 125 a year) by CERT (Certified Emergency Response Team) officers who were also individually assigned to “monitor,” every aspect of your daily detail. The censorship of your mail both incoming and outgoing in my case meant only immediate family and attorneys could correspond with me. The PRISONCRATS as I came to call them made concerted efforts to use the psychotic prisoners as pshycholgical tools to inflict constant mental torture. The cells were always freezing cold where clothing and bedding restrictions that were enforced by the CERT cell searched two times a week left you clamoring for warmth where the expectation of these cell searches meant your things being left in disarray and allowed items being confiscated that created such an angst it was like nails raking across the chalkboard of my thoughts. The Prisoncrats started moving HRP’s to different units shortly after I arrived so to split them up so they weren’t all in one unit. This meant every six months I was moved to a new unit, exposed to different unit staff, and psychotic neighbors. The uncertainty of interpretation of policy meant the rules changed on whims, where being deprived of any routine normalcy constantly disrupted patterns of stability the mind desperately seeks. The only thing consistent was unsanitary feeding and small food portions. This was all done in boilerplate reasoning of “safety and security.” But I was being singled out for especially harsh conditions of sensory deprivation. The kind that deprives you of any new input to your narrative that mortally scars the brain's ability to adapt to novel situations. With eight minor, disciplinary write-ups that were meant to keep me on HRP (you have to do one year write-up free to be considered to be removed from HRP), it also meant I could only use the phone for a fifteen minute call once a month. Exercise became a three hour routine first thing in the morning no matter where I was, who I was next to or how cold it was. The filthy cells they kept intentionally moving me in taught me to clean a cell until it was a cell I could stand to live in and keep it that way everyday. 

HRP/SOLITARY CONFINEMENT gets one hour a day rec yard. It’s 48 cells in each unit, a shift begins at 5:00 am to 5:00 pm, depending on the senior officer and the work ethic of the rest of the staff, maybe at best they get six inclement winter seasons in Ely and lack of clothing “was” a deterrent and the brief summer was an embattlement that prisoners’ always lost. There’s nothing but a pull-up bar. It's the sun’s vitamin D that nourishes the brain that you crave. 

We receive meals once in the morning usually around 5:00 am and again at 4:30 - 5:00 pm (Now at 12:30 - 1:00 PM). The meals are] the same [as the general population. When they went to “sack lunch,” the lunches we were getting was “three hot meals” (that the court ruled “two hot meals'' was sufficient with a cold sack lunch) we started getting as a dinner tray (Hot dogs, Hamburgers, Corndogs, Chilidogs and so on) while the dinner menu got cut by more than half. Recently, the court ruled that Hot dogs, Hamburgers, Corndogs, and so on as a “daily” meal with “Cake, Cookies, brownies, etc.” were not healthy meals. The courts with a “consent decree” from NDOC officials made up an acceptable menu. However, it was abandoned after two months and for breakfast we’re fed the exact same thing day after day (egg whites, potatoes, sausage, oatmeal, fruit) as the sack lunches are some form of peanut butter/jelly or mystery meat, and dinners rice, beans broccoli, hamburger, hotdog, pizza, chicken, its just another method of shortening the life-span in prison.

I would like people outside of prison to know that we came from the same society at one time. “More evil”, “Moral justice” is a sore finger that hurts the whole hand. Your isolation is throwing a human being away as if they were never from your society. Who failed who?

For the future I want to have no expectations.